A medic!

Finally, finally, finally. :)

Nineteen

Yes, I'm still here :) it's just a little hard to keep a posting routine in these crazy days.

As the headline suggests I'm 19 today (well not today, this was pre-posted, since I knew I'll be on base on Monday). So this is a bit funny but better than nothing, lol.

It's amazing where life can take you in such a short time. A year ago I never could imagine I'd be in the place I am today… I started a medic course 7 weeks ago, a course I had no intention or idea I'd be in, in anytime of my life. And at first I didn’t even like it, but now I'm half way through the course and I actually like what I'm doing. I mean, if it's everything about medicine, from the actions on every day life with taking care of an aching throat or a heartburn to the actions of emergency when you give first aid to a patient and suppose to keep him alive.

Beside the fact that it was a bit overwhelming at first to understand the measure of the responsibility that comes with the job, now I'm really happy learning and getting the tools to help people and actually do something that matters. It really kind of filled a void in my life.

In other news, not much has changed. I miss some of the stuff I had before the army but those kind of faded away anyway in time…other than that there are still a few things I'm missing, but those would come too, someday. But that's for another post, lol, today is happy :) Happy Birthday, me.

The chronicles of a broken heart and a lost mind

So such a long time without a post… this is actually the first post of 2009 for me, that's cool, at least. This is the third year I'm posting in.

Uhm, I don’t know where to start really. In general most of my life now, or the center of my life now is the army, but it's the least thing I'd like to talk about.

Since I recruited I had nice times and then some very hard moments or periods. I'd say what I was afraid of the most, didn’t turned out to be so bad. Being away from home was almost helpful for me in a way. It was hard, at first, but it was something I was able to learn to live with, and in time, throughout boot camp I enjoyed my new reality despite the obstacles.

But then there's the unavoidable depression, which I felt at home, and continues to follow me always. I think I had the illusion that everything will be different once I'll go the army and in retrospect I can't understand why I thought that, giving the fact that this is just the way I am and things never were about to change so there's no reason they'll change now.

But anyway, I thought that maybe if I'll have less free time to think, to wonder, I'll be less sad. But it doesn't work this way as it seems. Whether I'm at home sad, or on the bus on the way to the base, or while getting ready to sleep in boot camp. Sad is sad, and it's because of the basics of reality, so there's no really escape from it, life is hard and it can get sad sometimes.

But I've learned that you've gotta find your happy moments and hang on to them, even if sometime they're really small... That's the only way to stay positive.

So that's it, I just needed to vent a little and to write some thoughts that go through my mind every day. The future is really not clear right now, I have no idea what is going to happen with me in the end, but I hope this will clear out soon. Till next time…

Goodbye...

So that's it, my recruitment is on this Sunday. I can't really sum up in words what I'm feeling. Weather it's excitement or fright, weather it's good feelings or not, I am kind of ready to go.

It'll be hard, I have no doubt. I won't come home very frequently, I'll live in hard conditions and be in situations I've never been in, but I know that what ever happens I'll be okay, somehow…

Beside that everything is ready, I packed up all my stuff, I'm going to take a big bag on Sunday morning, I'll be going to the recruiting station with my family and the only friend that still hasn't gone to the army. My mom cried so many times this past month because of this all thing, she tried very hard to do it secretly because she doesn't want to stress me out, but it was hard not noticing. So she'll probably cry on Sunday too, I will probably cry on Sunday. It'll be very rough to hug her for the last time, her, my sisters, my father…

And from what I've heard the start is the roughest of all… then you get used to it, good or bad. I'm as sensitive as you can be so I have no idea how I'm gonna deal with everything there but I'm positive, hoping it'll be okay.

Like Homer Simpson put it… "Life is a lot like coins collecting, it stopped being fun a long time ago" :)

And this is hardest than I thought it would be… I'm really going to miss you guys, I really learned to love you during this long time and it's very sad for me to say goodbye but hopefully I'll be back soon with updates and I'll think of all of you often and miss you a lot…

*eyes turn red* bye… *tear falls down*… Din

Touch of Grey

Beautiful song by the Grateful Dead, kind of simplfy everything, so that's always important. Every silver lining's got a touch of grey :)

Other than that tomorrow I'm meeting with my tattoist to work on the sketch for my new tattoo! very, very excited about that.

Update: it didn't work out today... Hope everything goes well tomorrow.

...So as it seems right now, no tattoo anytime soon… I've waited too much time with the planning and now no way to make an appointment in the near week, which means I won't be able get it done :(

Lost...

I don’t what to do.

In my life, when I felt the worst, I always kept a little hope that circumstances which I was sad in will change somehow. Now even that is gone, now I feel like there's no escape, there's no way for a change…

People always wondered what I have to be sad about. My friends at least, they are the only ones that know how I feel. They always asked me why am I so sad, why I take things so badly the way I do. So then I couldn’t explain, but now I think I can.

With every time I looked at how this world works I was immediately attacked by a feeling of emptiness because I found it hard to accept not knowing why bad things happen, why people are mean, why life tends to be so unfair sometimes. And I was feeling bas as it is about that, then with every little or big bad events that occurred to me I felt like it's not worth it.

That way I lost every bit of perspective, I just preferred not to feel pain at all, it didn't seem worth it if that's how it goes.

Now there's my recruitment in less than a month. I'm not that scared about going as I'm afraid because I have no idea what's going to happen. I'm sad as it is, at home, what will happen in a new reality when I'll be completely by myself and in a place I don’t want to be.

So people didn't understand why I was feeling so lost then and now life just go on like nothing. And I would rather not feel this pain today too, but as you know I don’t have a choice, when life is unfair it goes all the way. I just didn’t want to feel so alone, I wanted someone to know, but what does it matter really. Life goes on. Pain goes on.

When you're lonley love songs are sad to hear...

...You know?  I listen to the songs and it kind of makes a hole in my heart to hear those words while feeling so alone. 

It took me sometime to get over something that really hurt me in the past, but I'm over that now. Nevertheless it helped me realized how far I am from the place I want to be. That is not alone. 

I don't know why this is so important to me, but I always wanted someone to understand me, to love me and that I will love back. I wanted someone to hold my hand and make me feel like the world is a perfect place. While my friends look for short term relationships, those seem meaningless to me. I don't like anything that is meaningless.

And that makes it harder to battle in this word, because women want a guy that is light, and I'm not...

There's a line from a Carpenters song that says: "All I know of love is how to live without it". It's the kind of sad truth that kind of pinches you inside.

Uh, but life goes on...

Happy new year!

Today is the jewish new year. So I just wanted to say Happy New Year to everyone. We call this Rosh Hashanah. It's just like Christmas but we eat honey instead of lightning up a tree. :)

Other than that so much has happened in the past few weeks but I just couldn't actually sit down and write, I will, though. So much has changed...

In the meantime here's a game from Randi's blog, which is nice.

1) Four places that I go to over and over: since I don’t have a job it's mostly home and when I go out it's mostly to random nice places that suits the mood.
2) Four people who e-mail me (regularly): I hardly use the email for contacting people, there are instant messaging softwares for that.
3) Four of my favorite places to eat: Anywhere with a pizza, home, uhmm I can't think anything else…
4) Four places I would rather be right now: at the movies with a friend, in Africa, in Las Vegas, somewhere else...
5) Four people I think will respond: Who knows…
6) Four TV shows I watch: House, Brothers and Sisters, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and sports

Here's what you are supposed to do... and please don't spoil the fun...Hit 'forward,' delete my answers, type in your answers and send it to a bunch of people, including me. Or just blog it, like I did. ;)
It's only SIX questions. Take the time. :)

Do I need glasses?

I've been getting those light small headaches lately, as I've noticed, only while sitting on the computer. Also it seems that it happens only while reading. The screen resolution I use isn't that high. But I find myself pressing the ctrl+a button more and more, in order to make the text bigger.

I can read the text though; it just looks as if now I have to put more effort into doing it. I always can change the screen resolution but then probably my eyes will get used to the new one and it'll happen again.

Also most sites these days use the 1280*1024 resolution, and any lower one will just not be compatible. Besides, it may be just my imagination after all, but I wouldn't like to get glasses either way.

Anyhow, my head is filled with all the happenings in the past week; I'll try to write about some of that later.